Prospective students, also affectionately known as “prospies” or “prefrosh”, are high school students checking out a college that they may potentially apply to. Prospies are often linked to current college students, their hosts, in hopes of showing the prospie what the school is all about. Actions that prospies engage in include touring, eating lunch in the dining hall, staying overnight in their host’s room, and participating in weekend long programs.
Of course, there are good prospies and there are bad prospies. Good ones are respectful of their space, follow the rules, and don’t get their hosts in trouble. Bad ones, well…
And although you may be aspiring to be a good prospie, I am here to encourage you otherwise. Why make your stressed-out-host’s life easier when you can be the fun story they tell all their friends? In this spirit, using my experiences as a host, here is a guide on how to be a bad prospective student.
Throw Your Stuff Everywhere and Leave
As a host, I highly value when you throw your stuff on the floor with no regard to what you brought with you. I really enjoyed watching you exit my dorm after your makeup spilled all over the rug, leaving me to scrub it off myself. When I told you to “make yourself at home”, I meant that you could throw away any sense of respect for my living space and make me clean up your messes.
Invite Your Friends To Get Ready for a Party in Your Host’s Room without Permission
After coming back from dinner, intent on studying, there is nothing more that I enjoy than seeing four other prospies in my room. I enjoy it even more when my prospies don’t even ask me beforehand if it’s okay, and proceed to leave my room a mess with cookie crumbs on my desk and makeup and lotion all over the counter.
Don’t Answer Your Host When They Ask When You’ll Be Back From the Party
Laying awake at three in the morning waiting for you to come back from a party is absolutely how I wanted to spend the night before my 9 AM chemistry exam. Using my friend’s ID to get into a party was okay, but when she has no way of getting into her room to access her things, she appreciates waiting along with me. When we exchanged numbers at the beginning of your stay, I wasn’t under the impression that you were actually going to answer your phone; I just wanted a texting buddy.
Have Sex and Snort Cocaine in Your Host’s Room
When my best friend provided you a place to stay, she absolutely wanted you to take advantage of her kindness and have sex in her room. Helping her clean her sheets was the highlight of my day, because the sleeping bad you were provided with was clearly not enough. The specs of cocaine lying next to the condoms were a bit difficult to remove, but the vacuum really did the trick.
Bring Your Friends into Your Host’s Room at Seven in the Morning
When college students say that they need all the sleep they can get, it is a lie. Having you bring in eight other prospies into the room while my roommate and I were asleep was great, but even better was the screaming volume that you communicated with, almost as if we weren’t in the room at all. My roommate and I did not stare at each other in anger the entire half hour, but even if we did, I’m sure we would have been way too exhausted to say anything about it.
Pass off Responsibility when You Are Confronted by Your Host
Okay, maybe being a bad prospie doesn’t work with every host. Sometimes, you will get the occasional host that refuses to understand your side (and all that fun that you surely will never get to experience ever again), and asks you to change your ways. Ignore them. Don’t apologize for being who you are; after all, they opened up the space to you! Remind them of that fact and make them take responsibility for their actions.
Spit in the Sink Before You Go Back Home
Nothing warms a host’s heart more than climbing out of bed, heading to the sink, and seeing a gooey specimen of bloody phlegm in the sink. It is like a gift from the throat. I assure you, we treat it as such, and do not use up obscene amounts of toilet paper to grab the gift and chuck it in the trashcan, whispering “ew, ew, ew” the entire way. At least this time, you’re gone before your host can confront you about it!
Now, utilize this newfound knowledge and bring holiday cheer to your hosts that are dying from finals! Happy Holidays!