Joining your college’s admitted students’ Facebook group is inevitable. If you don’t, you risk the chance of being that one loner who didn’t get to meet anyone before school started (spoiler alert: that kid doesn’t really exist but it’s still nice to meet people ahead of time). Maybe you’ll find someone who lives one town over or your next best friend.
Need more incentive to join the Facebook group? Well, you’re in luck. There are Tumblrs and Twitters devoted to making fun of the stupid shiz that people post on these groups because some of their members are utterly ridiculous and might even leave you wondering why the h-e-double-hockey-sticks you chose that school to begin with.
As someone who has been a member of way too many of these groups, I consider myself a bit of an expert on the stereotypical personalities that tend to inhabit them. Through my journey scouring all of the non-private Class of 2017 groups and my own (as well as this magical Tumblr because well, why not?), I have come up with a list of the most common stereotypes and how to deal with them. It’s important to remember that even if you have found you perfect school, there will still be arsehats to deal with.
Probably the most prevalent of these stereotypes are those students who look like they came straight off of the set of the now totally obscure television show GREEK.
The Bro: You know the type. He’s the one who bragged to everyone about how he bought a LAX penny from your school’s bookstore instead of a t-shirt. He even posted a picture of it on the page with the caption “hey ladies ;-), ready for this?”. Chances are, there was at least one girl who commented something like “you’re not the sharpest nail in the toolbox are you?”. If that was the case, find this girl and befriend her. Now. Do it.
Typically, the bros are athletes who were recruited but sometimes he’s just an annoying, probably rich kid (no offense to all you lower-income tools, I’m a firm believer in sass equality).
The Bro-ette: You’ve probably seen her posting flirty comments on pictures of LAX-penny-wearing teenage manboys. Or maybe she’s that girl who wrote “when is rush week? I’m so excited LOL! :D”. Either way, she’s probably filling up your news feed (providing you added her as a friend) with T-Swizzle/Ke$ha lyrics and/or a bajillion prom pics where she does the whole half laugh/half smile pose with her girlfriends. Sometimes these girls are more than they seem and turn into ultra feminist vegans with a wicked sense of humor (says the ultra feminist vegan with a wicked sense of humor) before freshman year is over. Although, sometimes she’s exactly what meets the eye.
How to deal: Laugh at both The Bro and The Bro-ette and submit everything they post to Accepted 2017 (and hope they never find out who the nark was because that just might get ugly).
The “Do you work here?” kid.
There will always be that kid that you swear must already have a job in the admissions office because he just knows EVERYTHING. I lovingly call him the “Do you work here?” kid. This person spends most of his free time scouring your school’s website and sending emails to counselors. Every time you have a question, there he is to answer it (complete with references). No, he’s not the son of a college admissions dean but really just has way too much time on his hands.
How to deal: There is very little bad about this person (besides that sometimes he goes a little bit overboard), so just thank them and move on.
The Nerd Alert
My uncle always uses the term “nerd alert” whenever anyone geeks out about anything (note: he was a total bro in college). I’ve decided to adopt this term to describe the next stereotype.
Hey there, nerds! We at The Prospect LOVE y’all. Mostly because we consider ourselves to be HUGE nerds. You are not alone, you are never alone. There are two types of nerds: the fandom nerds (Cumberb*tches, Potterheads, Whovians, hell even the Twihards even though no one really likes them) and the ones who don’t have nearly as cool of names aka the math and science nerds.
How to deal: Worship them. More than one anecdote has stated that nerds will rule the world and be your bosses someday.
The Class Clown
Ladies and gents, I present to you your future class clown. This kid posts whatever he wants, whenever he wants and most of the time its hilarious. All of the girls sort of awkwardly swoon at how downright hilarious he is.
How to deal: Post as much of his stuff on Tumblr for lots of guaranteed notes.
The Mean Girl
So, sometimes there’s this annoying little be-yatch who just feels the need to put down ery-thing you say and make you look dumb. Maybe you said something totally true like, “You should always wear layers in Chicago because the weather changes quickly” and then she’s all, “Um, no. I’m actually from here and it’s not like that”. Maybe it feels like she’s stalking your posts and comments only to put you down, but you just need to try to get over her.
How to deal: The best way to cope with her is to not fight back and instead write a passive-aggressive article about it (cough cough cough).
If you’re going to school in or near a big city (i.e. Boston, New York, Chicago, LA, etc.), there will no doubt be at least one native who is trying to make up for the fact that they’re not going far away by shoving their knowledge down everyone else’s throats. They feel that they need to school people on the culture of “the city”. These people often post lists of things you absolutely need to know before move in day. They also may post things like “there better not be any Red Wings fans in this group! Go Hawks!” as if people aren’t from other places at all and they must leave their entire lives behind to move to The Native’s precious city. They think they’re being funny but they’re usually just annoying.
How to deal: Roll your eyes a lot. Then, once you’re at school, make a point of going to all the places they said not to go to.
Everyone always says “don’t be that kid” but who exactly is this kid? That kid is the one who makes you groan, “not him again” every time you see that he’s posted something. He’s in between trying to hard to be cool and funny. Half the time you can’t tell if he’s a massive troll or actually just the worst person you’ll ever meet.
How to deal: Either way, avoid like the plague.