Feeling alone as you swim through the terrifying waters known as the college admission process? Have no fear! We have several seniors blogging about ups, downs, and random in-betweens of their college process for the next 12 months (from June 2015 to June 2016!). Sit back, relax, and get that “OMG I totally get you, bro” feeling. Information for how to contact a blogger will be at the bottom of his/her posts.
In my Stanford essay I wrote that my dream home is currently a mountain cottage with no responsibilities. I wonder if that’ll hurt my chances of getting in. Regardless, it remains true a month later.
Whoever said second semester is a breeze was wrong. Perhaps some people can pace themselves and let their grades drop only a bit as they spend the rest of their high school days partying. I, however, am an all-or-nothing person. If I fail something, I fail at it completely. If I succeed in something, I hope to be the best at it. I’ve found this perspective to be consistent throughout my life so far. It’s because of this that I have trouble achieving balance within my life. Well, that and I get distracted pretty easily.
To be more specific, this past week I have done literally nothing except Science Olympiad. While this may seem on a surface a good thing, since I am a captain and therefore have a lot of responsibility, my incessant efforts in SciOly are negatively impacting other areas of my life and I honestly want it to stop. I didn’t do half of my homework this week because I got home late every day from school, spent time on SciOly to keep up with all of the work that “needed” to be done, and then went to sleep because I was so tired. My parents have a lot to worry about and therefore don’t always realize when I am letting myself go like this, but even my mom has noticed that I am spending too much time on extracurricular work instead of my actual studies.
I bring SciOly up because one symptom of senioritis that I did not expect was confusion. As a second semester senior, to what extent are my priorities different? Did I even follow my priorities in the first place? I still have just as many goals and commitments as I had before, with new ones having replaced the old. Yet now I have no method of prioritization, I just have my judgment which I don’t trust that well.
This especially worries me because this is probably what it’ll feel like in college and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to handle myself appropriately if I can’t even exercise self-discipline in my current environment.
The good thing is I have been getting a lot more sleep, and I believe my personal relationships (as per my last post) are in a better state now. Though not with my family members. I recently realized that with all the time my mom spends driving me around to lessons, SciOly practices, etc., she could be using to spend time with my little brother, who is having much more difficulty in middle school than I did. I feel really guilty. Not that I don’t drive, but that I may be squandering all of my mom’s efforts by not working my hardest on what matters. What bothers me most is that I am growing indifferent to this guilt as more time passes and I continue to let myself go.
Another thing I didn’t foresee was the sheer number of interviews I have recently been asked to schedule. No one told my all of my interviewers would contact me in the second or third weeks of February. I know interviews are important, especially when with alumni who reach out to you themselves, and I enjoy the intellectual conversations we often have. Yet I wish I knew ahead of time what to expect, since maybe that would have motivated me to lessen my workload earlier.
My mood also changes very frequently. Half the time I feel self-diffident and angry at myself for slacking off. Other times I remind myself of what I have accomplished that I am proud of and feel more hopeful and determined to do well. But it’s a cycle that always seems to take a turn for the worse feeling, and I can’t seem to escape it.
One example of this is how I’ve consistently failed to wake up early every single day for the past few weeks. I keep telling myself I will get up early and ‘shoot off some work’, but literally every time I sleep through my alarms. And I don’t just set one alarm—I set multiple, for example 5:00AM, 5:05AM, 5:10AM, all the way up to 6:00. Imagine how annoying that must be for my family members sleeping in adjacent rooms—yet I always naively tell myself that tomorrow morning will be the morning that will finally get me out of bed at a productive hour. When I fail to do so, I start the morning off in a pretty bad mood, which is never a good thing.
I’m not sure what the future holds, whether I will able to focus myself or maintain that focus wherever I end up going. But the more I think about it the more I become used to the idea that after I graduate, I’ll be another college student and soon-to-be adult, one lost in millions, facing the same struggles as everyone else. This reminded me of a speech my 8th grade social studies teacher showed my class on the last day of school 4 years ago, I’ll continue my trend of including talks and recommend you watch this one too:
Want to get in touch with Shivani? Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org, and she’ll write you back ASAP!