Note: This is a satire.
Welcome to Liz’s Lemonade Stand, where the lemons of life are twisted into the sweetest lemonade. This week, please welcome Clark Ruiz as a guest columnist for Liz’s Lemonade Stand. Mr. Ruiz is a freshman at Michigan State University studying Media and Information.
Hello, how are you all fairing after finals? Quite well, I hope. I’m doing just fine myself, thank you for asking. Now I suppose you all are wondering who I might be. Well, I am Clark Ruiz, a guest writer from Michigan State University and a dear friend of Miss Winters. I do imagine most of you are enjoying your time away from the college campus, and in turn indulging your vices. What a silly inquiry- of course you are! You’d be a fool not to.
Of course Miss Winters didn’t bring me here on mere whim. She enlisted my voice to debate a topic of which she feels most passionate about. It is much to my displeasure to have to say that what Miss Winters is fighting for is an epidemic, plain and simple. I’m not talking about any matter that you might have heard of on the television or radio; no, I fight against something far more insidious. Do you remember that crew neck sweater that your father wore whilst painting the living room? The one with someone else’s alma matter printed obtrusively across the breast? I do. I remember the hideous old thing. But that’s all it would be, something to wear in only the most mundane situations. Miss Winters believes such attire is acceptable in social situations, but her judgment is jaded and biased to say the least. I brought this plague to her attention and she promptly agreed with me, “My God Clark, you’re right!” But she quickly realized that she had fallen victim to this monstrosity. She changed her mind once she realized the warmth and comfort of a crew neck sweater, and in turn she fights against charity.
I don’t disagree that a crew neck sweater might in fact be the cotton equivalent of a loving embrace, but that doesn’t qualify it as adequate social apparel. What we are dealing with here is easily in the ranks of bathrobes, pajama bottoms, and blankets. The people that wear these in public are also the same people that consume Eggo waffles with a spoon during late hours of the night, the same people who, for lack of better words, “have given up”. Is that the impression you’d enjoy leaving when you leave the room at the next party?
Of course, it is not my intention to be brash, but honesty is often synonymous with brusqueness, and I have no intention of claiming ignorance any longer. My roommate is large and part for the crusade; he owns a 50 dollar Obey crew neck (with absolutely zero quality difference between the five dollar “Utah State” one my father owns) because he thinks it makes him look “frosty.” No, it makes you unapproachable.
But what kind of morally crooked individual would I be if I were to not present a possible solution, a cure, to this social plague? Comfortable, warm clothing and socially tolerable clothing are not mutually exclusive; there are several alternatives that meet both of these criteria. One might ponder a nice cardigan sweater, or possibly an athletic hoody. With my solution, you do not have to suffer from social outcast nor the harsh weather that characterizes this time of the year. I am not naïve enough to endorse the idea that only aesthetics are relevant in interpersonal communication, but as Mark Twain put it, “Clothes make the man,” and if you’re sporting a crew neck sweater…well, frankly, you might as well be naked.