Oh, freshmen year. That glorious time when going out every weekend (every night of every weekend, sometimes!) is still a novelty, and fraternities are still these mystical places of friends, fun, and free booze. Speaking as a highly experienced sophomore, I can tell you that while the novelty does wear off for everyone, for some people the allure is still there even as upperclassmen. So what is a frat party, exactly? And, more importantly, what kind of people go to such events? Someone once said (Shakespeare? Alexander the Great? Tywin Lannister?) that knowledge is power, and so it is. Armed with the knowledge of what to expect and who to avoid, you’ll be that much more successful in your quest to have a great time out with friends.
Now, we all know generalizations are horrible, inaccurate things, and that stereotyping is of course very much frowned upon, but sometimes they’re just plain useful! And this is one of those times, so I now present to you a highly oversimplified (and therefore very useful) list of the 5 people you’ll meet at a frat party.
1. The Freshman. Now, dear frosh, you and I both know that this is your first year at college, but you don’t need to telegraph that to the whole room. Freshmen generally identify themselves by either standing awkwardly in large groups, or consuming way too much alcohol and puking in the corner. From the hammered girl dancing on top of the beer pong table to the boy doing keg stand after keg stand on an empty stomach, you don’t want to be this person. Blend in at frat parties by watching your alcohol consumption (or put water in your cup and don’t drink at all!), hanging out with one or two friends, and mingling with strangers.
2. The Bored Upperclassmen. Refer back to the first paragraph and note for yourselves the cynical tone that I adopted in my introduction. This, friends, is because I am a sophomore in college, and am therefore infinitely older and wiser than you. Kidding. This is because I’ve been to my fair share of frat parties, and they’re no longer quite as exciting. The bored upperclassmen at a party can usually be found congregating in the foyer, the kitchen, or anywhere away from the dance floor, and they divide their time between loudly discussing how bored they are and throwing dirty looks at the people having fun dancing.
3. The Frat Star. This is the brother whose fraternity is having the party, and he’s having the time of his life. He can get you a drink, show you a safe place to leave your stuff, or even let you into the quieter rooms for a little peace and (relative) quiet. Usually pretty drunk, the frat star is fun to be around, and can be a useful asset if you know him well.
4. The Drunk Jerk. This is the guy who wasn’t invited to the party- he’s the one who just walked in and no one really knows how he got there. He’s belligerently drunk and just looking to cause a scene for no reason at all. Usually clearly identifiable by his colorful vocabulary and swinging fists, this is definitely one party-goer you should steer clear of.
5. The Creepy Predator. This is the guy who’s lurking in the shadows, just waiting to find an underclassmen girl who needs help getting a drink. This guy gives off majorly shady vibes, and if you come across one of these, stick with your friends and avoid his lecherous stares.
Do other people attend these sorts of parties, you ask? Of course. But these are the ones to watch out for, because these are the ones who will safeguard your coat, try and abduct you in a dark alley, or vastly entertain you with their drunken rendition of “We Can’t Stop.” One thing’s for sure, dear freshmen–your frat party experience will never, ever, be boring.